Ending weeks of the new beginning that is starting..

Last 2,5 months has been very intense. Adapting to the new situation of not travelling, working, finding my balance in thinking and being again, has come slowly to an end. I have been working through meditation, praying, Buddhism, talking, sessions, sports, music, reading, television, writing, but most of all; doing absolutely nothing for long hours, days and weeks. Making my world as small and slow as I could. To find and hear my inner voice again. Being with myself and in myself. Making my new home the foundation to live from. Working, home, training, home, friends, home. After weeks of going through deep inner moments and confronting myself with the restlessness in my thinking and not being in the moment where I am in, times and thoughts/feelings changed.

Dreams about closing contact to negative people. Accepting new people. In the dream I went literally from winter, spring and ended in summer. Waking up I realized that I am growing to the new phase in my life by letting go of the past and some people coming with that era. It felted so good, in that moment. No thoughts of future, past. Nothing. Just me, like in meditation. Only fully awake and enjoying and controlling it. All week it has been this good. I can't sleep until 3-4am o'clock, 'cause of all the energy that's inside of me. Whistling happy tunes, and noticing it minutes later. Not feeling the need to call or email people. Just enjoying being with myself. I think it has been some years I had this calming and accepting moment of life the way it is, now. 

It took many deep moments of losing grip, letting go of the control what was not there. Anxiety, depressed thoughts, crying, confusion, etc.
I knew all the time that it has to come if it is inside of me. Letting go by accepting that it's there. Letting go of the need to control it all by not accepting that this is also a part of being. Not ignoring the dark voices in a energy killing repression, and also not running in the light thoughts of all the stuff what makes me feel happy. No, placing myself in the middle. In a meditation I saw myself on a sand road, with big and old trees on each side. On the left in the field I saw a dark cloud with thunder, lightning, rain. On the right side in the field I saw the sun shining like it never did before. Perfect blue sky and warmth. The trick I learned was to place myself always in the middle of the sand road. Not going in the fields, but just looking at it. Not jumping from left to right. From the moment of waking-up I needed to this. And along the weeks followed it went easier and easier. Now a month later I am on that road almost all day. I see my dark and light thought. Acknowledging it's all there. It made me stronger and stronger every day. Finally result. Finding my rest again. 

So now of course the mind and character are going to dream again. It just happens. If it comes, I let if float. Last Sunday evening I was watching a program about a Dutch person who went living to Spain. Old feelings and thoughts about this beautiful and passionate country came again. The ever loving wish to live here. It came from the heart. Not from my search for enlightment. After long periods of struggling, now some pure moments of pure joy/hope/vision.
Not dreaming about Spain, no still forcing myself in the moment of now, I feel the energy floating again in the right way. Trusting on my coming choices which will come and the ones I will take. It has been very hard the last 1,5 year. Losing my grip slowly in Asia and not knowing how to deal with all the pain and sadness of all that life also gave to me, finally I regained trust and energy to accept live in the now, so to the future. I found my joy again to share myself in all that is good for me.

The following weeks I'm getting nice presents in return for all the hard work. My good and dear friend Kuba from Poland is coming and within two weeks I am flying to Tampere, Finland to meet my Finnish wife Katja and Anu. The best is that I have got balance again, so I can give them my positivity and we can enjoy full-on!




 
Thank you all who listened and more important who just where there for me. You are in my heart.

Expressions

Seasons of change

                            Seasons of change

This Winter is my first since 2007-2008. It's coming hard in my system of thinking and feeling. Especially when I am still in rehab from travelling 25 months without a residence and always having the inner struggle trying to settle. Not fully finding the right structure and balance yet to live in the now. Stop dreaming or placing myself in other places in this world or with people from earlier trips. This is it, and than Winter came...

Yesterday King Winter arrived in his purest form. First, in the morning one of my friends from Melbourne called. He was telling me that he was sitting on the beach in Port Melbourne. Last January and February we did live here in our cars for 5-6 weeks, with others.

After the call I had to go outside to buy a webcam and new mouse, to skype with my good friend Monica, from Guelph, Canada. The moment I stepped outside, snowflakes came down. I don't even have a proper winterjacket and the frozen rain came faster and I was getting more and more in the irritating mode. Looking outside from the store, I had to make myself think that it looks really nice. But damn.. I miss the sun and beach so much. Sleeping in my car and waking up with the seaguls flying above my car and the waves coming in on the background. Making a coffee for my friend and for myself. Some peanutbutter on toast. Gettin' a shower after the morning-dip in the ocean. 

Here it's waking up knowing that it is -5 outside, moreless. I am not able to see and hear the birds. The warmth of the sun and the colours and smell of flowers. The girls in less clothes than now, etc.

Of course I do realize that it's just the season and in 3 months the spring will come, and the feeling will be leaving me again. Only I know again why it has been 3 years since I had a Winter. A fortuneteller in Kuala Lumpur told me years ago that from August on I am getting more down and down. The summer and good weather is ending and it is always hard to accept this and live happy for the rest of the year. Good woman!

There are people who really dig the Autumn and Winter. The Summer is to hot for them. All these different characters make live colourfull, yes. But for now? I think I will go in my wintersleep like a polarbear, and waiting for Spring to arrive. Only it feels so long and so far away, that it is hard to accept it some moments in the day. But I am a positive guy, so I'll manage, like always. And when spring will come, I will get the energy and who knowes what kind of major steps I planned or what will come on my path of life?!

Personal introduction: How it started..

A little introduction 

A while back one of my Swedish friends texted me on facebook;

"I just texted a Finnish friend of mine and asked what Rautakyrpä means. I wish I asked it to you first Kevin. Cause she wanted to know why this word!"

So I had to tell her the story. And it goes a little somethin' like this;

In september 2008 I was in Chiang Mai, in the North of Thailand. We were trekking in the mountains for a few days. I met a Swedish guy called John. Crazy ass hell guy, that's why I love him ;)!

He told me a word from Finland; Rautakyrpä. I should tell it to other people on the trip, he said. It means Iron Penis, only its more the way how you say it what makes it funny. After little bit practice how to pronounce the word right, I remembered it

I was in the middle of Laos with Ville from Tampere, Finland. We were in Paksé, and were going south to the 4000 islands of Laos in the Mekong river. We met 2 Finnish guys in Paksé; Rammy and Hammy(or something like that). They came from the south and went up north. They met me by the name Rautakyrpä. Ville and the guys were laughing a lot about this name. Rammy and Hammy went up north after meeting us and we went south, to Don Det.

On Don Det we met a Finnish girl called Elina. I told her my name; Rautakyrpä. She said.. "Heeeeeii man, I've heard from you! I met 2 finnish guys, Rammy and Hammy, and they told me they have met you in Paksé!"

Next to Laos I went all the way south of Cambodia to be on the beach of Sihanouk Ville. At the Guesthouse I met 2 Finnish guys. I was alone there to meet Chantelle and Monica, from Yes you Can(ada).
I told my name to the 2 Finnish guys; Rautakyrpä. They said to me; "Hei man, we've heard about a crazy Dutch guy who is travelling and has got the name Rautakyrpä." I asked them who had told them this? Ville.. I asked; Ville, from Tampere?? Is he also here...? hahahah...lol!

After a few weeks on the beach, a Finnish friend from earlier travels in Spain and Finland came. We laughed about my new name, and slowly it became a real nickname. With a nice story attached to it.

There was a beachvolleyball tournament, and the money went to; (I can be wrong, because of the all the memory(weed)loss) the street children of Cambodia.

We wanted to play this tournament, so we needed a teamname. Team Rautakyrpä? Yes, perfect.

We smoked a big spliff all together just before playing our first match. One of the organisers was standing on the beach in Sihanouk Ville, next to the field with a microphone. He asked what our teamname was. Rautakyrpä! He had some minor problems with pronouncing the word, but it worked and Iron Penis was echoing over the beach. Such a cool moment, stoned and happy; Team Iron Penis. How did it came this far? I remember that I asked myself this question. Well, this is the answer. Its even my facebook name, and people know be by this name. Without doing anything really. That is what makes it so special and one of those stories.

So people heard about me, even before meeting me. And I am talking about 3 Countries; Thailand, Laos and Cambodia. In less than two months travelling this story happend. With many, many travellers in it. Travellers who go up and south, east and left! After this I went to Vietnam, Hong Kong, China, Malaysia, the Netherlands, Sweden, Poland and Australia. And still they call me; Rauta Kyrpä!


Just a story to share. One of those things.. 

 

It's like that, and that's the way it is..