Dreams about closing contact to negative people. Accepting new people. In the dream I went literally from winter, spring and ended in summer. Waking up I realized that I am growing to the new phase in my life by letting go of the past and some people coming with that era. It felted so good, in that moment. No thoughts of future, past. Nothing. Just me, like in meditation. Only fully awake and enjoying and controlling it. All week it has been this good. I can't sleep until 3-4am o'clock, 'cause of all the energy that's inside of me. Whistling happy tunes, and noticing it minutes later. Not feeling the need to call or email people. Just enjoying being with myself. I think it has been some years I had this calming and accepting moment of life the way it is, now.
It took many deep moments of losing grip, letting go of the control what was not there. Anxiety, depressed thoughts, crying, confusion, etc.
I knew all the time that it has to come if it is inside of me. Letting go by accepting that it's there. Letting go of the need to control it all by not accepting that this is also a part of being. Not ignoring the dark voices in a energy killing repression, and also not running in the light thoughts of all the stuff what makes me feel happy. No, placing myself in the middle. In a meditation I saw myself on a sand road, with big and old trees on each side. On the left in the field I saw a dark cloud with thunder, lightning, rain. On the right side in the field I saw the sun shining like it never did before. Perfect blue sky and warmth. The trick I learned was to place myself always in the middle of the sand road. Not going in the fields, but just looking at it. Not jumping from left to right. From the moment of waking-up I needed to this. And along the weeks followed it went easier and easier. Now a month later I am on that road almost all day. I see my dark and light thought. Acknowledging it's all there. It made me stronger and stronger every day. Finally result. Finding my rest again.
So now of course the mind and character are going to dream again. It just happens. If it comes, I let if float. Last Sunday evening I was watching a program about a Dutch person who went living to Spain. Old feelings and thoughts about this beautiful and passionate country came again. The ever loving wish to live here. It came from the heart. Not from my search for enlightment. After long periods of struggling, now some pure moments of pure joy/hope/vision.
Not dreaming about Spain, no still forcing myself in the moment of now, I feel the energy floating again in the right way. Trusting on my coming choices which will come and the ones I will take. It has been very hard the last 1,5 year. Losing my grip slowly in Asia and not knowing how to deal with all the pain and sadness of all that life also gave to me, finally I regained trust and energy to accept live in the now, so to the future. I found my joy again to share myself in all that is good for me.
The following weeks I'm getting nice presents in return for all the hard work. My good and dear friend Kuba from Poland is coming and within two weeks I am flying to Tampere, Finland to meet my Finnish wife Katja and Anu. The best is that I have got balance again, so I can give them my positivity and we can enjoy full-on!
Thank you all who listened and more important who just where there for me. You are in my heart.
